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The Web BtC

iCarly: "iBelieve in Bigfoot"

Season 3 Episodes 17
Airdate: May 8, 2010

The iCarly kids are dressed in 80s costumes, for no reason pertaining to the story, but I guess the producers thought it would be cute. The news shows footage of Sasquatch, which gets I. Carly pumped. I. Carly is a firm believer in Sasquatch. She is one awesome little girl. Her friends are skeptical because they are fucking assholes.

I. Carly had to write a report in the 5th grade on are rare creature. She chose Sasquatch as her topic but was given an F because the teacher thought Sasquatch was not real. Goddamnit, when people talk about the decline of public schools, they never mention the blatant and unconstitutional censorship of Sasquatch viewpoints. Why do so many people get outraged about not being able to have public prayer in school but no one but me writes letters to the Editor every week about there not being any required Sasquatch discussions in school?

Carly makes a "F" signal with her hands, indicating she wants to give her 5th grade teacher an F. She calls Sasquatch "Bigfoot" by the way, which is kind of a politically incorrect term. They prefer to be called Sasquatch, their native name. Bigfoot was a term forced upon them by white settlers.

Carly's older brother/guardian, Spencer, knows about believing in animals other would deny. He speaks of a cross between a beaver and a raccoon he saw on an 8th grade field trip. He calls it a beave-coon, a name which sounds kind of sexual/racist.

Gibby, the occasional fourth iCarly kid, comes downstairs. I think he's Wolverine, maybe? I'm at this weird age where I am too old to watch iCarly but also too young to know these 80s references because I was a baby at the time. It's like, I was alive during the Cold War but didn't find out about it until 1995.

At school, Sam is cooking gumbo in her locker cause she is a rebel and has some way to power a croc pot in there. The students argue in the halls about the existence of Sasquatch. Opinions are divided 50/50, which is a lot better than I would have figured given the notorious anti-Sasquatch media these kids are exposed to. It just makes me mad that there even has to be a debate about this in the 21st century when all the facts are on the side of Sasquatch being real. Sasquatch deniers are a lot like Holocaust deniers, only much worse.

The iCarly kids put on another webshow. Today, they sprinkle cheese and pizza sauce over Gibby. I would be careful if I were them. Here you have a boy in the throws of puberty. Two attractive teen girls ask him to take his shirt off so they can pour food on him. You do that enough times and the boy is going to develop one crazy fetish.

The topic of the webshow moves to Sasquatch. I am proud that these kids are so enthusiastic about Sasquatch. However, they say that Bigfoot is called El-foot-tah jee-gantico in Mexico. Actually, the Spanish word for Bigfoot is Pie Grande. Their term is in no way a Spanish word. I won't get on their case about it. I remember some of the silly things I thought about Sasquatch back when I was their age. Why, I used to think that the Sasquatch were far less intelligent that humans. I know, what a silly thing to believe!

I know now, of course, that the Sasquatch are far smarter than we humans and their hidden civilization is far more advanced. The Sasquatch are one with nature live and without violence or poverty which is why they stay hidden from us. They are scared of our violent ways. Only when mankind learns to renounce war and take care of the Earth will the Sasquatch reveal themselves and teach us their wisdom.

They have a guest on their show, Dr. Van Gurbin, who wrote the book Bigfoot: True or Real? I like the title, it doesn't leave any room for the wrong questions. Spencer interrupts the interview with questions about the beavecoon, and implores us to visit beavecoon.org, which actually redirects to icarly.com. TV producers have decided that it is better to purchase any made up domain name mentioned on their show rather than use a fake 555 style top-level domain. If I was a TV producer, I would make all the fake websites on my show end with .jew.

Spencer drives the iCarly kids to the woods to hunt for Sasquatch. Spencer only drove them because he wants to look for the beavecoon and Sam only went along because there was a really good hotdog joint along the way. It is a long trip in the RV and Sam falls asleep while chewing on a hotdog. This won't be the last time Sam will be passed out with a sausage in her mouth.

They have to chase away some other Sasquatch hunters because people looking for Sasquatch are very territorial. Someone in the woods shouts, "Carly!" I. Carly shouts back "Bigfoot?" in that dreamy kind of way you'd call to your boyfriend. I. Carly thought Sasquatch would be waiting for her. Most girls her age fantasize about the boys from Twilight, I. Carly fantasies about Sasquatch. It's actually Dr. Van Gurbin. There's a lot of people out hunting Sasquatch tonight. This recession is giving people more free time.

So more stuff happens and then a Sasquatch gets caught in Sam's trap. But it is not Sasquatch, it is Dr. Van Gurbin in a costume. He was trying to scare people so he could drum up more interest in Sasquatch and sell mores books. I'd say that is just like Scooby-Doo, but the kids already said that. Spencer went off looking for beavecoon and the kids have to run off after him when they hear his scream.

Spencer got confused in the woods. The kids find him and take him back to camp. They totally miss the beavecoon in the tree. Beavecoons must be bred as pets by the Sasquatch. So you know when you see a beavecoon, a Sasquatch is never far away. Prolly taking his beavecoon out for walk.

The gang returns to find Dr. Van Gurbin and the RV gone. They assume the doctor stole their RV unril the Sasquatch hunters they chased away come to them with the doctor in custody. He escaped and went right back to his plan and was caught again in less than three minutes. So, who stole their RV?

Was it Sasqutach?

No! Sasquatch did not steal their RV. The Sasquatch are honest. The only way I could maybe see it happening is because the Sasquatch are a communal society without a sense of property or ownership, so they borrow what they need and give what they can. So maybe a Sasquatch needed to use the RV for awhile. The iCarly gang will get plenty of walnuts in return.