The Web BtC

If I Was TeenNick's Chairperson

I don't know who Nick Cannon is, but he is the Chairman of The-N TeenNick. There are boring commercials on The-N TeenNick which show him at this office giving a stern talking down to to Degrassi actors, who are portrayed as a bunch of no good hooligans.

Wikipedia says he is 29, which is a bit old to be working at TeenNick. Let me explain. A few years ago, Johnny and I watched a competitive reality show on The-N TeenNick called Girls vs. Boys. That show sucked a big bucket of dicks, and we only watched it because a boy and girl from Degrassi were going to be on the teams. Also we don't have lives. The first episode featured the team selection process at The-N TeenNick headquarters where network employees sorted through photographs and video to decide who to put on the show. The thing is, none of those The-N TeenNick employees looked to be over 15. Seriously, they were all girls who dressed stupidly and giggled way too much to be any older. This explains so much about the channel's programming over the years.

My point is The-N TeenNick sucks. I don't know what this Nick Cannon guy is supposed to be doing as Chairman, but he is not doing a good job cause The-N TeenNick sucks. I should be the Chair of The-N TeenNick. I would fix that dumb cable channel so it is no longer dumb. Take a look at what I mean. This is under my chairship:

While we're on the subject of The-N TeenNick being poop, I want to discuss the new Nickelodeon and The-N TeenNick logos that were unveiled last year and how much they are poop.

Chart of Nick logos

Wow. Those new logos are all so awful. Last year the executives at Nick had a fab idea to rebrand all their sister cable outlets with similar names and logos. So they got rid of the classic Nick "splat" logo and replaced it with this. Eww. I can see Nick execs doing that too. I mean, these are the same people who renew Degrassi every year. But those new logos are just so stupid. I mean, the old Nick and Nick Jr logos were two of the best in the TV world. They were both so moldable, the channel could feature their logos in different shapes and the viewer would still instantly recognize it as a Nick logo. I remember reading back in middle school that American kids born in the 80s and 90s (most of this site's audience) tend to associate the color orange with Nickelodeon.* Now that's marketing power. This redesign throws that away.

The new The-N TeenNick logo looks even worse.

My TeenNick logo

Here's a much better The-N TeenNick logo I whipped up in just ten minutes in Photoshop, twice the amount of time it took Nick to make their new logos. But how can I say it is better than the logo The-N TeenNick uses now. I mean, their's was crafted by professional designers at a professional design firm using the most current version of Photoshop on state of the art Macs and chosen by highly paid executives! I created a logo using a five year old version of Photoshop on a six year old Windows box, and I'm unemployed! Of course, my logo only retains the iconic Nickelodeon "splat" that is instantly recognizable to two generations of young Americans, but has a different, more teen appealing font and splat. On the other hand, Nickelodeon's new logo has an "L" that looks like a penis.

by Billie Green
*(if any can dig up a cite for this, please email it to me).