Keeping Up With The Kardashians: "Botox and Cigarettes"
Season 5 Episode 5
Airdate: September 12, 2010
Dumb Bear is helping her horrible mother clear the junk out of her McMansion. She has 17 spatulas, which she considers a sign of her wealth. There's a Jeff Foxworthy redneck joke in there somewhere. I don't know if you can be a redneck if you live in California and your husband was a lawyer and your family are rich Armenians. I don't know what you call those people. Maybe the Turks have a word.
Chihuahua Head is Justine Bieber's baby-sitter or something, because she took the little Youtube star to the beach where the paparazzi snapped some pictures and are calling her a cougar. It's so stupid and ridiculous and--after watching several episodes over years--I can totally understand why someone like Chihuahua Head is proud of the attention.
The sisters and their God damn mother have lunch together. Failure as a Mother pulls a gray hair off of Chihuahua Head's head and makes fun of her daughter for getting old. Keep in mind, the mother is the only person over 32 here. Failure as a Mother is doing more of that thing a lot of mothers do when they are feeling old and jealous that their youth went to their daughters, so need to attack their daughters' beauty to feel better. It works well on Chihuahua Head because she is the most vain of the three.
This whole family is fucked up. Their father was one of OJ Simpson's forty lawyers during his murder trial, and built up a large fortune practicing law before passing away. So his wife and daughters have inherited all this money and will they never have to work a day in their life, which is a great way to learn responsibility and discipline. Then the one sister becomes famous for having a sex tape on the internet and that gets them a reality show on cable. And the mom manages the careers of her three daughters and is always pushing them to do photoshoots for Playboy or Maxim or Girls Gone Wild. Then the mother marries this former Olympic athlete who is completely whipped and doesn't know what the hell is going on around him. I bet it was the mother who was directing the sex tape.
Chihuahua Head wants to get botox. For real, she does. She goes to the botox "doctor" with her sister to learn how the injections work. "What are side effects?" she asks. "The side effects are extremely rare," says the...ugg...doctor, "but the benefits out way the side effects." You didn't tell her what the side effects are.
Meanwhile, Failure as a Mother is seen smoking. Her husband says she is being a bad influence on her daughters. Yes! Their mom is a horrible influence on them! She encourages them to be vain and pose for...and...
...oh...you just mean that she smokes.
Chihuahua Head goes back to the botox doctor to get the injections. She wears her full makeup to the appointment. Chihuahua Head wears a ton of makeup. How long does it take her to get ready in the morning? The queens on RuPaul's Drag Race wear less.
Tanned Chipmunk goes to a tobacco shop. Her plan is to have Failure as a Mother catch Baby Slut 95 smoking, but it will be a fake cigarette. because the Babies Sluts are under 18. She would just get candy cigarettes, but those are almost impossible to find anymore. I remember being a little kid and being ale to buy candy cigarettes from the rack at the grocery store, but then the damn anti-smoking movement gained momentum, and a lot of stores stopped selling them. Now the only places I can find candy cigarettes are a speciality downtown candy store in the town I live in now, or a liquor store in the town I grew up in. I blame the Democrats for this and will vote accordingly in the next election.
The adults give Baby Slut 95 the fake cigarette. It makes smoke but isn't real. I guess it doesn't contain tobacco then? Is it still legal for someone under 18 to have? I don't know. Pervy Bitch Dad says it smells terrible and makes Baby Slut 95 take it outside. She has to stand out there until her mother comes home.
Failure as a Mother sees this and freaks out. She learns a lesson about the influence she has on her daughters and vows to quit smoking. This is the logic ladder of bad behavior in this family: underage smoking is bad, while having a sex tape leak online or posing for Playboy is encouraged. Drunk driving gets a meh.
Chihuahua Head is feeling some side effects from her botox. Later that day, her eyes start to itch. Then she develops large bruises under them. I think the problem started when the needle went through three inches of cosmetics. Does she wear that much foundation and shit when she goes to a real doctor? What's odd about this is that Chihuahua Head actually looks gorgeous with no makeup. Occasionally you can see her on this show without her clown face on, and she looks totally different. God, she wears all this makeup and wants to get botox. I won't blame her mother for raising her to have such severe body image issues, but her mother is a God damn cunt.
Chihuahua Head calls over the family physician, who is totally used to this shit by now and tells her to lay off the botox. Of course, Chihuahua Head will go back for more injections once her face has healed.