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Keeping Up With The Kardashians: "I'm Watching You"

Season 1 Episode 1
Airdate: October 14, 2007

I was in kind of a media blackout from 2007 through 2009. Back then, I was living alone without cable and got poor antenna reception, so instead of spending my evenings flipping through the TV, I spent it online writing Mythbusters Jamie and Adam slashfiction and drinking the day away. I came out of that fog when I moved in with people who had cable, to find that a black man was president! At first, I worried I had entered some kind of Planet of the Apes scenario where black people were now in charge of the world and white people were slaves and I had to arm myself. Judging by the conversations I overheard, it seems like a lot of people thought so as well.

Also during my return to watching cable, I became addicted to a trashy reality show on E! called Keeping Up With the Kardashians, about three rich sisters in California who still live with their mom. What can I say? I run a site where I've reviewed over 100 episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation, I have a weird addiction to crappy TV. I watched several episodes of this show and I still have a hard time remembering what these people's names are, or what the episode is even about. So I have taken to referring to the cast with nicknames.

The first scene of the first episode begins with Failure As A Mother making fun of one of her daughters for having a big butt. That's that thing moms do where they make fun some aspect of their daughter's looks, but in a way that makes it look like she is joking to hide the fact she's being a jealous bitch who wants to feel better about aging by criticizing her daughter's youthful body, and then wonders why her daughter is spending Thanksgiving elsewhere.

Kardashians 101 Kardashians 101

Chihuahua Head is going to be on the Tyra Banks Show. She is worried because Tyra plans to ask about a sex tape she is in. It was released without her permission under the title "Kim Kardashian Superstar". Only two of those words aptly describe her. Chihuahua Head is very embarrassed by this. She wants to be known as more than some girl with a sex tape, she wants to be known as that bitch on a reality show.

Kardashians 101

The sisters run a clothing store called Dash which never has any customers, but it gives them a place to sit around and gossip and try on clothes, because they certainly don't get enough time for that at home. The Tanned Chipmunk's boyfriend comes and pats her butt. However, Failure As A Mother does not like him for she has heard that the boyfriend cheated on Tanned Chipmunk with a squirrel. Failure As A Mother opts not to tell this to her Tanned Chipmunk, because Failure As A Mother kind of dislikes her daughters.

Kardashians 101

The anniversary party is coming up for Failure As A Mother and the man she married after her first husband died. This second husband is the step-dad the the three Kardashian sisters, so that means he can lock himself in the bathroom and masturbate about them and it's OK with God. And don't think he doesn't take advantage of that. Failure As A Mother and Tanned Chipmunk go to a shop to sample some wine for the party. They also sample some tequila and get kind of drunk cause I guess the shop was cool with this because it's not like they have any liabilities to worry about if a customer gets drunk. I'm sure that scene was not embellished by the producers in anyway!

Kardashians 101

The anniversary party is underway. A bunch of people eat cheese outside, while Chihuahua Head takes the woman who created the Pussycat Dolls (only the finest people attend a Kardashian party) inside to see the stripper pole she had installed in the piano room. Oh those wild and crazy Kardashian girls! That's when her nine year old half-sister, Baby Slut 98, enters and shows them that she knows how to work the stripper pole. The Pussycat Dolls woman is impressed and tells the little girl that she could be a "future Pussycat Doll." In no way could that ever be a compliment. If you're a man and you tell a woman she could be a Pussycat Doll, she will quite rightly slap you across the face.

The dad person puts a stop to this and carries Baby Slut 98 out of the room. He doesn't want his two biological daughters to grow up to be like the older ones. He knows that's a futile struggle and he will lose in the end, but he must carry through like a good father should and at least make sure they are 18 before they shoot a sex tape for the internet.

Back outside, Failure As A Mother tries to talk Tanned Chipmunk out of being with her boyfriend. "We've seen a lot of guys come and go," the mother says. God, I am going to let that remark go. Finally Failure As A Mother reveals that she knows that the boyfriend cheated, but Tanned Chipmunk already knows this. Also, it wasn't cheating because they had an agreement beforehand. Also, Tanned Chipmunk gave three strangers a blow job in the garden, so who is she to judge what her man does?

Kardashians 101

The next day, Chihuahua Head gets ready to appear on the Tyra Banks Show and spends a lot time fretting about what to wear. She is going to be having a serious discussion on a talk show, so she should wear pants, which she doesn't have much experience with. Tyra drills her about the sex tape and Chihuahua Head complains about it backstage to her friend who came along because Chihuahua Head is either a very nice person in reality or her friend gets a lot of free clothes out of this arrangement. Chihuahua Head is pissed that Tyra brought up a subject she was warned several days earlier would be brought up and is really the only reason she is even on the Tyra show or in any way famous.

Chihuahua Head decides not to give Tyra the dress she was planning to give due to this grave insult. All for the better, I say. Tyra Banks is a very tall woman and I doubt Chihuahua Head has any concept of clothes that exist in a size other than her's.

By Billie Green 05/22/10