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Keeping Up With The Kardashians: "Brody in the House"

Season 1 Episode 3
Airdate: October 28, 2007

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Failure As A Mother gets a phone call from Joe Francis, the man who makes the Girls Gone Wild videos. He wants to book the girls for a shoot. Failure As A Mother enthusiastically says yes. Turns out it is not for the videos, it is for a photo shoot for a line of swimsuits. Girls Gone Wild sells swimsuits? Huh. I wonder what sort of woman would want a Girls Gone Wild brand swimsuit. Probably the type of woman whose rich father passed away, leaving her with a lot of money but no sense of responsibility, and is nearing 30 so is desperate to get all the attention she can while her body is still young.

The Kardashian sisters and their mom go to Mexico for the photoshoot. They were very excited to hear that Joe Francis wanted to shoot them, even before they were told it wasn't for a Girls Gone Wild videos. Joe Francis won't be there as he is sitting in jail on charges of being a douche.

Meanwhile, Pervy Bitch Dad has to stay at home to watch over the two underage daughters, Baby Slut 95 and Baby Slut 98. No one told him that the trip to Mexico involved Girls Gone Wild, because he would have strongly objected. Not that it would have mattered. Pervy Bitch Dad has no say in what this family does.

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The sisters get their makeup and hair prepared for the photoshoot. Tanned Chipmunk makes some catty remark about Chihuahua Head's butt, which hurts because Chihuahua Head loves her butt.

The shoot involves the beach, a mound of sand with a dollar sign, and a back ho. I don't know if the construction equipment is decoration for the photograph, for some reason, or was involved in construction of the set, somehow. Failure As A Mother is also there. She wears a robe instead of a swimsuit but wants to be in the photo because she's trying to recapture her youth through her daughters, which wouldn't be quite so bad if she was, say, a former ballerina pushing her daughters into ballet, rather than a skank.

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Pervy Bitch Dad finds out about the photoshoot, so he flies to Mexico to put a stop to this and leaves his Loser Son in charge of the Baby Sluts. But the Baby Sluts don't heed his authority. One of the girls kicks him in the balls and they chase the young man around the house and whip him with belts. The little girls learned not to listen to a man from their mom. The Kardashian house is a matriarchy, in the island that Wonder Woman is from sense of the word.

Loser Son is rescued by his friend who also wears a blue shirt and looks like a douche, so I have trouble telling them apart. The Baby Sluts want to make their own Girls Gone Wild video. That was a throwaway joke in Mean Girls, but the younger Kardashian girls totally turn it into sad, sad, reality. Loser Son's friend is happy to film the two pre-teens dancing around the stripper pole. That guy is going to go far in life.

Now I understand why so many people hate America.

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Back in Mexico, there is tension on the photoshoot. The swimsuit designer complains that she wanted actual models instead of the Kardashian skanks and the Kardashian skanks complain that this woman is designing for Girls Gone Wild, so who the fuck is she to complain about shit? This whole situation is all sorts of smelly assness.

Pervy Bitch Dad arrives on the scene after the shooting has ended. Failure As A Mother sweet talks him in a way that makes Pervy Bitch Dad think it will be alright and he would have agreed to all this, even though his opinion was not sought out and doesn't matter.

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Back in LA, the Kardashian sisters get another call from Joe Francis still in jail. I guess he is still free to do business behind bars. Maybe he's even not in jail. Maybe he's just too lazy to leave his house. They giggle because this is all like Charlie's Angels and whatever. The sisters are happy that he liked their photos.

What's so weird is that the Kardashians are really excited to be speaking to him and really eager to have his approval. Don't they know what this guy does for a living? On the other hand, this guy is able to talk women into giving him permission to video record their naked breasts and then makes a ton of money from those videos without paying the girls a cent. He must have a powerful sway over females.

At the Kardashian home, Failure As A Mother and Pervy Bitch Dad find the video the Baby Sluts made. Yes, the little ones' lives are going according to plan.

Final Thoughts:

I think of Keeping Up With The Kardashians like I Love Lucy or The Monkees. Not quality wise, of course--I Love Lucy was a good show--but in the sense that they all center around people who are desperate to become famous and are willing to degrade themselves each week for a shot at the big time, which will never come.