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Keeping Up With The Kardashians: "Birthday Suit"

Season 1 Episode 4
Airdate: November 4, 2007

Kardashian 104

Failure As A Mother gets a call from Playboy. They want Chihuahua Head to pose for their December issue. Like any mother would, Failure As A Mother encourages her daughter to appear in the magazine. Chihuahua Head is reluctant because she is sensitive to how the public will perceive her after her sex tape scandal (I guess she believes this show will make the public look at her positively somehow).

Chihuahua Head talks this over with her family, except for the father of the house because he would be against it, and no cares what he thinks. The tall one even flat out says, "We don't care what Pervy Bitch Dad thinks." Failure As A Mother is for it, and I guess her sisters are too, so Chihuahua Head really just wanted people to tell her to do Playboy, but she had pretend to be on the fence about it so she didn't come off like a complete attention whore. "Oh no, like, I don't know if I should do Playboy guys. I mean all those people will see me and notice me and pay attention to me..."

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Pervy Bitch Dad is against it. The girls point out that he was in Playgirl back in the 80s. Pfft. No one reads Playgirl. I have never seen in for sale anywhere and I shop at many, many porn stores. I highly doubt that magazine even really exists. But the girls have a point. Pervy Bitch Dad doesn't want his step-daughter to be in a magazine that men will beat off to her, yet he was in Playgirl. So she's just continuing a proud family tradition of being spank material for horny guys.

Pervy Bitch Dad takes Chihuahua Head to the gym to get her in shape for the magazine. He's still against it, but he gets to watch her workout so it's cool. I think he just doesn't like the idea of men other than himself picturing her naked. The other two Kardashian sisters tag along and act like they have never seen a gym before.We the audience have to pretend that the Kardashian girls don't go to the gym all the time.

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Failure As A Mother drives Chihuahua Head to the Playboy shoot. It was always Failure As A Mother's dream to pose for Playboy. Really? That was her dream? Not to climb a mountain, write the Great American novel, become the first female president, or hell, open a restaurant? So that's why she's pushing her daughter to do this. How many freaking kids does this woman get to have again? I know it has to be a lot. OK, well, it seems that California CPS really wasn't doing a very good job back in the 1990s.

Chihuahua Head is happy to do this as long as she doesn't have to do any nudity. For Playboy. The crew tries to convince her to get naked, but she won't go there. Does she not understand what kind of magazine this is? Maybe Playboy sometimes features women who pose with their clothes on. I don't know. Wouldn't that just be Maxim then? This is all so confusing and I'm tired and hungry and want to go to bed with a sandwich, but I must forge on with my recap.

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Failure As A Mother feels left out of the whole shameful spectacular, so Chihuahua Head sets her up with her own nude photoshoot for a baby deliver instructional video or something.

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Chihuahua Head is having a lunch of water with the black girl from the Pussycat Dolls. I don't know her name. I don't know if any of those girls have names. I don't even know if any of the Pussycat Dolls know how to sing or are a real girl group. As far as I know, they were just some backup dancers for Snoop Dogg. My point is Chihuahua Head should at least be hanging out with the one member of the group who can raise her leg over he head and does in every video. The Pussycat Dolls just piss me off. They'll never be the Spice Girls, that's for damn sure! Hrumph!

Failure As A Mother calls and tells her that Playboy wants her to come back to do nude photographs because it's Playboy.

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Failure As A Mother and Chihuahua Head go back to Playboy offices and meet with Hugh Hefner. God, Hugh Hefner is old as dirt here. I guess back in the 70s, wearing a robe all day made him look like a suave bachelor, but now it just makes him look like an old man who never actually gets ready for the day anymore and might fall asleep at any minute. He also seems to think Playboy is a lot more important that it is today. When Chihuahua Head asks if she really has to be nude, Hefner is like "Yes. You will be naked." like he's giving her an order. Of course she's not actually going to refuse because she's a fame whore. Maybe she already cashed her check without actually reading the contract.

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Chihuahua Head doesn't want to be nude. But she also doesn't want to pass up the opportunity to get some attention. She goes back to Playboy and is photographed with gold colored beads that cover her nipples and penis. I guess that counts as naked or at least enough for the magazine or whatever. Who the hell even reads Playboy anyway? I don't think I have ever known one guy friend who has ever subscribed to it. Then again, I came of age with the internet and all its sinful delights at no cost as long as I jump from free preview page to free preview page. Maybe there are old men out there who are too confused by the internet but still need something to masturbate to, so they go with their reliable source for the past fifty years. Then they'll get this issue and be all "Who's this colored bitch with the gold beads? She's no Carol Lynley, that's for damn sure. Oh well, I should just be happy to still be able to get hard."

Fun fact: Did you know Ryan Seacrest produces this show? Yup. I wonder how involved he is with this show. Does he sit down with the editor as they decide what footage to include in the show? If that is the case he must have really hated looking through all this film because there is a naked lady in it. "Don't any of these girls have boyfriend?" Ryan will ask. "You know like we could film the guys with their shirts off flexing on the beach. I bet women and gay homos--who I totally don't like because I'm no homo--will want to see that." "No," the editor will say, "I mean it's a show about three sisters and it's mostly about the one sister who likes to take her clothes off when there is a camera around." To which Ryan Seacrest will huff, "I did not sign up for this!" before leaving the room.

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Back home, Chihuahua Head unveils the portrait from Failure As A Mother's kind of gross photoshoot session. Pervy Bitch Dad takes it to the bedroom. Cut a hole in the middle so he can have his fun, and it won't nag him but still be just as warm. Works perfectly.