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The Magic Bullet

Well we certainly do have a treat for you today. We are going to take a look at "The Magic Bullet" Infomercial, and let me just say that it is epic. Most infomercials describe the product and all the amazing things it can do, and maybe add a few testimonials. Not the Magic Bullet, though. They want us to believe we are witnessing a normal situation in someone's everyday life, so lets take a look at it. 

The commercial opens with a man and a woman (who we will learn are named Mick and Mimi) standing in a kitchen surrounded by a bunch of random people when the greatest character in television history stumbles in: Berman. Mimi greets Berman with a loud and obnoxious "GOOOOOOOOOOD morning, Berman!" and Berman complains that Mimi is talking to loud. Berman is horribly hung over. We're only five seconds in and I already know this is going to be one helluva infomercial. Mick offers Berman "a little hair of the dog that bit him" whatever that's supposed to mean, but Mimi tells Berman it is just a fruit smoothie. Berman is upset that there isn't any booze in the smoothie, but drinks it anyway. Mick then makes a smoothie for his other friends (whose names we don't know yet) from mixed berries. Mick says he made a mixed berry smoothie in less time than it takes to say it. Umm, no. I'm pretty sure almost anyone without a speech impediment (and even most people with one) could say mixed berry smoothie in less than the five seconds you blended that thing for. The wife of mixed berry smoothie man asks if the Magic Bullet is a personal smoothie maker. Yes. For those times when your regular smoothie maker just isn't personal enough, there's the Magic Bullet 

 Anyhow we then meet Ike and Tina (Not the ones you might be thinking of) and Ike decides to be a poor guest and ask if he could get a "real breakfast" No Ike. Don't be so rude. Mick and Mimi were kind enough you let you stay the night at their house, and you aren't happy with the smoothie breakfast. Oh. Turns out the Magic Bullet CAN make a real breakfast, as long as all you want is muffins or an omelette. Mimi proceeds to make Ike an omelette, and asks him if he wants cheese in it. Now I could be wrong, but I thought an omelette had to have cheese. Like for the structural integrity of the omelette itself, I thought there had to be cheese in it. Without the cheese wouldn't Ike just be having eggs? I don't know, but I could be wrong here. Mimi then blends the eggs and what not together resulting in a disgusting puke yellow juice that will later become Ike's omelette. Hope you weren't expecting much, Ike. But hey, she made it in like 6 seconds, so that makes up for any flavor issues.

Mick offers to make some freshly ground coffee and Tina jumps at this opportunity. Literally. She jumps out of her chair so she could help Mick use the coffee grinder. Mick is all like "Bitch, please. We got the MAGIC FREAKING BULLET" which apparently can grind coffee now. Mimi comes back with Mick's Omelette which looks as disgusting and rubbery as I guessed, but Ike is thrilled with how fast it was. Now hold on just a minute. Mimi cooked those eggs in like 30 seconds. I'm pretty sure Ike is gonna get sick. But again, since they were made in 10 SECONDS OR LESS its all ok. Hours of food poisoning is worth saving yourself two minutes in making an omelette. Mimi then offers the gang some fresh baked muffins, and we are introduced to the female Berman: Hazel. Hazel strolls onto the scene wearing a nightgown with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth (I'm pretty sure the cigarette is a white crayon or something, but it gets the point across: Hazel is a dirty, nasty, disease ridden windbag.) But We'll hear more from Hazel later on. Mick makes some banana walnut muffins while Mimi makes blueberry muffins. Mick comments that it takes no longer to make a few different kinds of fresh muffins that it does to take one. Yeah, that's assuming you own multiple Magic Bullets. Mick and Mimi appear to have 315, and that's just what we can see.

Tina plays captain obvious and lists everything that Mick and Mimi just made. She then asks what the heck it is? and we learn that it is the MAGIC BULLET: the personal, versatile counter top magician, because it works like magic! How clever. Mick then tells us that the Magic Bullet is so great because it is so much less confusing than other types of appliances like blenders or toasters. Since you know how confusing those things are to use. He also shows us that it takes up no more room on a counter than a coffee mug. Well, two coffee mugs stacked on top of one another technically, but Mick hopes we don't notice that. Mimi tells us that we will use the Magic Bullet every single day, and Berman mocks her for making such a ridiculous claim. Berman is not easily won over. The Magic Bullet just made a smoothie, muffins, an omelette, and coffee, and Berman is still unimpressed. Let's see if that changes by the end of the commercial.

But here's where things really start to get crazy. Mick asks what the worst job you have to do in the kitchen is, and Mimi adds that almost every meal starts with it. Hazel says chopping garlic. I thought she was wrong at first, but apparently that's what Mick was going for. Wait. Every meal starts with chopping garlic. What the hell does Hazel eat that every single meal starts with chopping garlic? This broad must spent a fortune on it if she uses it in every meal. Mick chops up some garlic while counting to three and then claims that the garlic was chopped in three seconds. The only problem with this is that he pauses for a good ten seconds between each number, so it really took like 20 seconds. Mimi tells us that her worst cooking job is chopping onions. Apparently, it makes her hands stink for days. If chopping onion makes your hand stink for days, then you really need to wash your hands more. Mimi throws some midget onions into the bullet, and gives us perfectly chopped onion. Well, assuming that your idea of perfectly chopped onion is a revolting onion paste. Tasty.

Mick shows us what he likes to do before the "big game" Since Mick is apparently English, I'm going to assume it is a soccer game between Liverpool and the London Sillynannies. This game will decide the grand cup, it will. Mick makes some salsa by throwing together about 400 cherry tomatoes and a couple cloves of garlic. It looks as good as it sounds. Berman offers to try this salsa, and is pretty happy with it. Looks like the Magic Bullet is starting to win over Berman, after all.

Mimi makes some "gourmet"  chicken salad with chicken from "last nights barbecue" Ok. Hold on. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, and wonder exactly what type of party took place last night. Here's what we know, Berman is hung over, about 10 people slept over at Mick and Mimi's, and there was chicken. Hmm. Lets think; what would 10 grown adults do when they are all alone with each other for a whole night with tons of booze? Hmm, lets keep watching to find out.

Hazel tells us that dinner is always a production, and wonders if the bullet could help her make dinner easier. I bet dinner is always a production, when each meal you make begins with chopping garlic. Mimi throws together some cheese, cream, butter, and garlic. These people do really enjoy their garlic. Mimi puts on a vented lid and throws the cup in the microwave, apparently she was making alfredo sauce. Tina is amazed that, in this day and age, we can put a plastic cup in the microwave. Mick makes a pesto sauce that really does look like puke, and Mimi pours the alfredo sauce over some green fettucini. Mimi makes the comment how they did all this without using a single pot or pan. How dumb do you think we are Mimi? HOW DO YOU THINK YOU MADE THE PASTA? Did the pasta fairy come and make delicious pasta appear on the table? Actually, the pasta fairy sounds pretty sweet. I wish she would visit me sometime. Mimi grates some more cheese to put on the pasta. If there are two things they like on this show, its cheese and garlic. Tina says that they made two completely different pasta dishes. That isn't true at all. They made to different sauces. Two completely different pasta dishes are like stuffed shells and Lasagna. Not throwing a different sauce on a shape of noodle. That's the same thing.

Mick decides to make a dessert by throwing some cream the cup with chocolate sauce creating a "chocolate mousse" in the loosest sense of the word. This is where we learn what really went on last night. In order to whip the cream, Mick had to screw on a special blade. As Mick says "Now I will screw on the flatblade, that's the whipping blade. Remember that Berman, OK?" Hey oh! That's it! They had a massive orgie (as if there was any doubt) and apparently Berman is turned on by whips and all that freaky stuff. This really gives some unwanted mental images of Hazel and "erman Really when you think about it, Mick and Mimi are sucky hosts. They invite their friends over for a sex party, and then try to sell them a stupid blender thing. However they did let them stay overnight, so I guess it balances out.

Mimi makes some dessert with berries. Actually there's three things these people really like, cheese, garlic, and berries. While making it she puts in some orange juice, but assures "erman that he could add his favorite liquor. Man. "erman is a alcoholic sexual sadist who likes to sleep at other peoples houses. Berman's a boss.

Mick and Mimi tell us that they actually bought the Magic Bullet, because it is the ultimate party machine. They tell us to prepare for "Mick and Mimi's 15 minute party" I'm ready. Bring it on. Mick makes a cheese dip and Mimi makes a chicken quesadilla. Ike is amazed by that quesadilla. Mick proceeds to make guacamole, and tells us that he did it without even using a knife! Again, Mick, give us more credit than that. You obviously had to cut the avocado up into small enough pieces to go in the cup, so again you are caught in a lie, sir.

Now we get introduced to the best bullet use: FROZEN DRINKS! Man, these people are really alcoholics. It still must be like 9:00 in the morning and they're making alcoholic beverages. They just can't get enough booze, can they? I'm guessing you probably have to be pretty drunk before you'll agree to let "erman whip you, though. So they make some drinks, same old same old. Then we see the colored comfort rings that are all colored so each person knows which drink is theirs. Wouldn't you probably be able to tell that by looking at the drink itself? I don't know, anyhow now its time for an extra special offer!

With the blender attachment (which is actually a blender) we can now use the bullet blender! This is your basic blender that blends things. Mimi makes some mint chocolate milkshake deal that I can't tell if it looks disgusting or delicious. I'm assuming disgusting. Nothing you make with the Magic Bullet could be delicious. BUT WAIT, THERES MORE! We also get the bullet juicer attachment! This is just your basic juicer that... juices things... i guess. Mick makes "erman a fruit juice thing and puts some broccoli in it, much to Berman's chagrin, as he says "Yuck, I hate broccoli" like a little kid. Mick has "erman taste the drink and "erman says that he can't taste any broccoli. Umm, no duh Mick. Mick threw about 20 pieces of watermelon and pineapple in and two small pieces of broccoli. you can't taste it because it makes up about 2 percent of the drink. "erman is still upset that it doesn't have any alcohol.

Now we get to hear the announcer guy tell us about all the fabulous things we could get. Finally, this commercial comes to an end. We were introduced to a bunch of awesome people like "erman and Hazel, and even got to see the aftermath of Mick and Mimi's "grown up" party. I'd say it was a pretty productive 20 minutes. But we ain't done yet. There's not just one, but TWO more installments in the Magic Bullet series, and trust me, you aren't prepared for what happens next time.